i am bamboo

i haven't really taken the time to get to know myself so i sat back just to think about who i really am.  these are my incomplete jot notes:

- i want to live
- i need music in my life
- i need art in my life
- i like being financially stable
- i love to joke around
- i know when to be serious
- i dream of becoming a rock star
- i yearn for attention not to be noticed but to be remembered
- i have a thing for the victorian time period
- i find intrigue, mystery, charm and intellect a turn on
- i have a high appreciation for class or at least the illusion of it
- i yield to higher authority
- i respect dicipline
- i'm easily distracted
- i'm easily put back on track
- i can only focus on things that interest me
- many things interest me
- i treasure the meaning of family
- i treasure my religious beliefs
- i treasure education
- i enjoy milk chocolate next to truffles and ferrero rocher
- i like dressing up
- i like tall boys who are slim but know how to dress to impress
- i'm an imperfect human being with weaknesses
- i too, have emotions
- i hate the winter
- i love good food
- i still make wishes along with prayers
- i find life without some form of drama quite boring
- i really am not as intimidating as i make myself out to be
- i can be quite conceited to people who don't know me
- i have a frenzy for socks, accessories, and t-shirts

She doesn't mind the greasing of the eyelids

Tasteful obsessions are keeping her healthy

It's a shame she doesn't know anyone tall

Because her beads are partying on the asphalt

And the leftover thread gives little support for the pedestal climb

 

So she splits her nails on the cement

No, don't lend a hand

She's cut her slice and she'll eat it all

 

There is no elevator man

i saw something beautiful this evening.  in the duration of my ride home from work our car stopped at some lights.  i looked outside the window and saw a mature couple going for a late-night walk.  timeless against the backdrop of the passing cars, the sight filled me with warmth.  one day i shall find my white rose as they did.

 

my eternal love. 

 

each day brings me closer to you, my darling. 

wherever you may be.

Infatuation never tasted so good

When the eyes' apple doesn't act as big as he is

Perhaps he is unsuspecting of the female fleets

Who all want him behind closed doors

 

When you think about it, he seems pretty average

Like the quiet boy in the cafeteria you're shy to approach

He's real but he's too good to be true

An intellect with standing

The others just see a good piece of meat

 

Close the curtains, they might see you staring

Yet, you like the feeling

For now just deny

 

And so you hide behind other names

They'd never suspect you to be of that sort

Composed and unassertive

The secret is your's and a few good friends'

I noticed that there was something incorrect about my body structure during highschool when I took dance class in grade 9.  We had to pick a partner who had to look for signs of abnormalities or misalignments and my best friend at the time didn't notice anything wrong with me.  But I knew something wasn't right.  During that little "examination" I noticed that my left leg was about 1 centimeter (7/16 of an inch) longer than my right leg.  Of course i ignored it because I'll admit that I was afraid of being unable to take the class and of course I didn't want to be labeled as abnormal.  The year passed and I received the Grade 9 Dance Award.  I was rather proud of myself and my abnormality was never noticed by anyone else.

Being a vain creature that I am I tend to look at my reflection a lot.  Our house probably has a mirror in every room except for the kitchen and basement/laundry room so I have every opportunity to look at myself.  I became more conscious about my body and the longer leg started to bother me.  Another thing that I began to notice was the fact that I had bad posture.  I scolded myself for the posture and made an effort to sit up straight more often and my posture began to improve.

In grade 11, I started to notice that I tended to lean to one side.  I naturally blamed it on the longer leg and so I began to stand while placing my weight on the shorter leg.  It got me by but I still leaned to one side when I'm relaxed or not paying attention.  This was the time that I got fed up and told my parents about my problem.  They didn't make a big deal out of it.  They told me to control myself because it's all in my head so I naturally blamed myself.  This lasted through grade 12. 

College came and along with it a retail job and a very demanding art kit that probably weighed more than 10% of my body weight (unhealthy lifting).  I struggled but the leaning continued.  I tried to control my posture but it deteriorated.  I realized that I was starting to hunch over when I sit and when I lean back on a chair my shoulder blades weren't even.  This was really starting to piss me off!!! 

College ended and I began to work more.  The leaning was getting worse and certain shirts were not fitting me properly because my right shoulder was higher and my right shoulder blade protrudes a bit more than the other - I'm skinny so they stick out anyway.  I thought, "That's fine, don't like those shirts anyway."  Back in April my mom finally noticed that my right shoulder actually was higher than the other.  She and my dad teased me about being abnormal and told me to control my posture.  Then about a month ago the pains began on my left hip and knee.  The pains came spontaneously but never lasted for more than 10 seconds.  I knew that I had to see a doctor soon so I told my parents about the pains and this was when they finally started to take me seriously.  And about 2 weeks ago I was trying on a dress that a friend made for me and he was like, "hmm...your ribs aren't even.  do you have scoliosis?"  That's when it hit me.  I knew about this condition before but it never occured to me that this was what I had.  

A trip to my doctor's yesterday (Monday) confirmed it.  The longer leg was the cause and the leaning, higher shoulder and protruding shoulder blade were signs of it.  He said that I'm probably going to need physiotherapy if the back excersises he gave me don't help.  I did some online research and I'm worried that since I've had this for a while the physio won't reverse it.  I'm so scared!  Sure, it's just a mild case and my friends don't even notice it unless they're really looking hard but I'm afraid of the complications it may cause me later on.  I'm already starting to think that my breathing problems are caused by it because I certainly don't have asthma.  There's also the body image issue.  I'm a vain creature and I find it almost unbearable to be deformed.  Again, it's mild... I hope it can still be reversed.